How do I tell my child that we are getting a divorce?

Telling your child that you’re getting a divorce is one of the hardest conversations you may ever have as a parent. When approached with care and clarity, however, it can also be the beginning of helping your child feel secure, loved, and supported through a major life change. From an attachment-informed lens, the goal is to protect your child’s sense of emotional safety, even as their family structure shifts.

1. Tell Them Together, If You Can

If it’s possible and safe, both parents should share the news together. This communicates to the child that while the relationship between the adults is changing, they are still a united team when it comes to parenting. Children are very tuned in to emotional tone — aim for calm, clear, and warm delivery. Avoid blaming or negative language about the other parent.

2. Keep the Message Simple and Reassuring

Elementary-aged children don’t need (and usually can’t process) all the details. Focus on what they do need: to know what’s happening, that it’s not their fault, and that they are still deeply loved.

You might say:

“We have something important to tell you. We’ve decided that we won’t be married anymore. This was a grown-up decision, and you didn’t cause it. We both love you very much, and we will always be your parents. That won’t change.”

Children often fear that divorce means losing one or both parents. Emphasize that both parents will stay involved in their lives. Be as specific as possible about upcoming routines if you can.

3. Expect Big Feelings — and Stay Steady

Your child may cry, ask questions, or sit in stunned silence. From an attachment perspective, your job is to be the safe base — to hold space for their feelings without rushing to fix or minimize them. Phrases like “I know this is a lot” or “It’s okay to feel sad or confused” invite emotional expression while offering comfort.

It’s also normal for children to revisit the topic repeatedly. Patience and consistency go a long way. Let them know they can ask anything, and keep checking in over time.

4. Avoid Burdening Them With Adult Problems

Even if the split involves betrayal, anger, or pain, children should not become confidants or messengers. Attachment security depends on children seeing their caregivers as stable, dependable, and emotionally available — not overwhelmed or needing to be rescued. Venting about the other parent or oversharing can cause confusion, loyalty conflicts, and long-term emotional strain.

5. Reinforce Safety Through Routine and Connection

In the weeks and months after the conversation, keep routines predictable when possible — meals, bedtime, school drop-off — and find ways to connect one-on-one. Even ten minutes of focused, warm attention each day can help reinforce your child’s sense of stability and belonging.

Above all, remember this: It’s not the divorce itself that causes long-term harm — it’s how it’s handled. When children feel emotionally safe, supported, and connected to both parents, they can adapt and thrive, even through a family transition.