Trust is the Foundation to Parenting
When we hear the word trust in relationships, we often think of romantic partnerships — keeping promises, staying faithful, being emotionally available. But Dr. John Gottman, one of the most renowned relationship researchers of our time, emphasizes that trust is the bedrock of all meaningful relationships, not just between couples. In fact, his insights into trust have deep relevance for parenting as well.
So what does trust look like between a parent and child? And why is it so foundational?
Gottman’s Theory of Trust
According to Gottman, trust is built over time through small, everyday moments. It’s not about grand gestures; it’s about the repeated experience that “I can count on you.” He describes trust as a dynamic system that grows when we consistently turn toward our loved one’s bids for connection — whether it’s a partner asking for support or a child tugging on your sleeve to show you their drawing.
Gottman even developed what he calls the “trust metric,” which measures how likely someone is to put their partner’s needs on par with their own. Trust grows when both people consistently look out for each other’s well-being and emotional needs. When betrayals — big or small — happen, trust erodes.
While Gottman’s research primarily focused on couples, the framework applies beautifully to the parent-child bond. Children are constantly making bids for connection, reassurance, and attention. Each time a parent responds with warmth, sensitivity, and presence, the child’s sense of security grows.
Attachment and Trust
Attachment science adds another layer of understanding here. According to attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, children are biologically wired to seek safety and comfort from their caregivers. When parents respond to their child’s needs consistently and sensitively, the child develops what psychologists call a secure attachment.
Securely attached children believe two key things:
My parent will be there for me when I need them.
I am worthy of love and care.
These beliefs form the foundation of trust. When children learn they can rely on their caregivers, they internalize a sense of safety that helps them navigate the world with confidence. On the flip side, when caregivers are inconsistent, neglectful, or frightening, the child’s sense of trust is shaken, and they may develop insecure or disorganized attachment patterns.
Everyday Moments That Build Trust
Building trust with your child isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being reliably good enough. Here are a few examples of how trust grows in the parenting relationship:
Attuning to emotions: When your child is upset, you help them name and understand their feelings instead of dismissing or ignoring them.
Keeping promises: When you say you’ll pick them up after school or read a bedtime story, you follow through.
Repairing after conflict: When you lose your temper or make a mistake (as all parents do), you take responsibility and reconnect. This teaches your child that relationships can withstand bumps and still be safe.
Being emotionally present: You show genuine interest in your child’s world, whether it’s their friendships, their worries, or their passions.
Each of these moments reinforces the message: You matter to me. I will be there for you.
Why It Matters
Trust doesn’t just make children feel good — it’s a core ingredient for healthy development. Research shows that children who have secure, trusting relationships with their parents are better able to regulate their emotions, build friendships, cope with stress, and explore the world with curiosity and resilience.
Perhaps most importantly, trust teaches children that they are lovable and worthy of care — a belief they will carry into their future relationships, including romantic partnerships, friendships, and eventually, perhaps, their own parenting.
Dr. Gottman’s work reminds us that trust is not built in dramatic moments but in the small, daily choices we make to show up for each other. As parents, each time we meet our child’s emotional needs with sensitivity and consistency, we are laying down the bricks of a lifelong foundation of trust. And through that trust, we are helping them grow into secure, confident, and loving individuals.
